Halloweenie

So, I have to tell you guys something that’s really hard for me. It’s very personal and I’ve kept it mostly a secret for many years for fear of social ridicule and ostracization. But it’s time I finally come out and try to accept myself for who I am and how I feel.

I hate Halloween. Hate it.

There. Are you still reading? I lost about half of you, I’m sure. But Halloween just ain’t my thing. Meanwhile it seems to be EVERYONE ELSE’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY. “Christmas is so mainstream,” said the Halloween Hipsters. Disagree. Here’s why Halloween sucks:

20 REASONS WHY I HATE HALLOWEEN

20. I’m pretty sure I peaked at costume cuteness as a kid. I mean, seriously, how can I ever top this adorableness? What’s the point?

19. Much like regular clothing, no swanky store-bought costume has ever fits my boobs. This means no matter how badly I want to be, say, sexy soldier or sexy astronaut, I have to begin planning well in advance and/or setting aside precious dollars for all the parts and pieces of the costume I will have to purchase since easy-peasy costume-in-a-bag is never an option for me.

18. “Well, Megan, what about home made costumes, duh?!” Homemade costumes require a seamstress or some notion of making something out of junk lying around your house. Sounds like an awful lot of pointless work to me.

17. People do THIS to you:

Dear god.

16. Scary movies aren’t fun. Scary movies are SCARY. I had nightmares for weeks after seeing What Lies Beneath, which we can all agree isn’t even a Halloween caliber fright flick.

15. Murder Charges. You’ve been warned.

14. People try to put razors in your candy!! Fucking RAZORS! Is there anything more malicious than trying to cut up a kid’s mouth by putting blades in their candy? This holiday breeds pure evil.

13. Cats.

12. When you’re a kid, for fun, grown up thinks you want to engage in Halloween games and play make believe with everyday household items. “Here, kiddo! Stick your hand in this box – feel those grapes eyeballs? Noodles worms? Corn teeth? Aren’t you soo scared?! Aren’t we sooo sneaky??” Har har.

Whore.

11. Christina Ricci got to kiss Devon Sawa is Casper when we were ten and I didn’t.

10. Halloween “cuisine” sucks. Adult Halloween food is things like “Roasted Pumpkin Seeds”. Eating roasted pumpkins seeds is about as delicious as chewing on a salty pen cap. Not food. Not fun.

9. When I was in 5th grade, all I wanted to be for Halloween was Jasmine from Aladdin. Specifically, I wanted my mom to buy me (a ten year old) a sexy Arabian princess bikini costume and let me flaunt around elementary school and the neighborhood. Being the good parent she is, my mother said absolutely no way. That was probably it for me.

8. A bag of candy is no longer the Treasure-of-Awesome it once was. Nowadays, a bag of candy is a bag of corn-syrupy guilt and self-loathing.

7. Candy Corn. Everyone knows candy corn is bullshit. But it’s this holiday’s shining star! Blech.

6. Spiders.

5. Haunted houses are torture. “Oh hey! Let’s go get so scared we poop our pants cause it’s FUN! Woooo!! YEAH!!!”–words you’ll never hear from me. It’s been exactly 10 years since I naively took my high school newspaper staff to a haunted house, where I made it a quarter

Fuck. This.

of the way into the haunted house before I began scrambling toward the emergency exit signs only to be continually harassed by ghouls in masks and led to the end of the maze where I was lulled into a false sense of security by a clown with a chainsaw who pretended to let me walk by and then chased me out until I cried in front of everyone.

4. Clowns.

3. Let’s pretend there’s a solid rebuttal for the previous 17 reasons to hate Halloween and that I am, in fact, just a Halloween Scrooge. My fundamental issue with this holiday is still that it requires costumes. And when some people wear costumes, they wear masks. And when they wear masks, you can’t see their eyes. And not being able to see someone’s eyes is without a doubt THE MOST UNSETTLING THING EVER (This applies to mascots and street performers as well).

He will totally murder you because he knows you can’t see his eyes.

2. When you can’t see someone’s eyes, you can’t predict their moves. Have you ever stared at a man dressed as a rabbit across the room and not known if he is staring back at you? I have. Maybe he’s plotting to attack you. Maybe he’s not. But you wouldn’t know, because you can’t see his fucking eyes.

1. All you have to do to enjoy Halloween is come up with a totally brilliant, unique idea, find/make/rent/invent a costume, and assume another identity flawlessly for an entire evening?!

Pfft.

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4 thoughts on “Halloweenie

  1. Pingback: Halloweenie 2: The Rebuttal | Heart of Snarkness

  2. I feel that everything you have listed here can also be used as a reason why Halloween is factually brilliant and one of the best times of the year. FACT.

  3. Pingback: Heart of Snarkness

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