Dear Man at Grocery Store

Dear Man at Grocery Store,

It was so kind of you to help me yesterday with my pumpkins. Being that the store was hellishly crowded with pesky Broncos fans and there were no carts to be had, I was forced to choose two pumpkins sized-to-carry, one in each arm. I know I looked a bit foolish standing in line behind you, as though I had not thought any of this through. Which is why when you so generously moved your things up on the conveyer belt to alleviate my discomfort I was impressed.

Meet my child, Megan Jr.

Even more impressive was when you took the pumpkins from my arms and set them down for me. At this point, I thought you a real gentleman.

But then, as men often do, you ruined it.

“Buying pumpkins for the kids to carve?”



Look sir, I can tell by your white hair, sunglasses and unnatural October tan that you are “old-school”, but please. Please answer me this:

1.) Since when is pumpkin carving relegated solely to children? The only Halloween activity I see as exclusively kid domain is Trick-or-Treating. Scary movies, haunted houses, parties, costumes and CARVING PUMPKINS are still fun for grown-ups. Don’t try to take away the only part of Halloween I still voluntarily participate in.

And 2.) more importantly, what about me and my pumpkins exactly suggested that I have children?

Consider for a moment that a lone 27-year-old woman in a suburban grocery store buying pumpkins a few days before Halloween might NOT be married and strapped down with 7 children. And consider that the very notion of having children of pumpkin-carving age is quite alarming to this woman, even though she is well into her childbearing years (despite the fact that she’s confident maturity-wise she’s only 18-21). Consider that you’ve not only inadvertently insulted her youthful appearance, but you’ve confirmed her pariah-status in this suburban cookie-cutter community and reignited her concerns that living in said suburbs without friends has aged her exceedingly. Consider that because of your innocent question, now she will spend Halloween binging on chocolate, lamenting the loss of her youth and questioning all of her life choices that led her to this sad, solitary, carving-pumpkins-without-children existence.

-50 points Grocery Store Man. And -10 points Halloween just because.


Lady With Pumpkins But Disturbingly No Kids


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