DisPinterested, Part Un

“Pinterest lets you organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web. People use pinboards to plan their weddings, decorate their homes, and organize their favorite recipes”.

See? Girly.

Well just breathe the word ‘wedding’ to me and you’ll trigger an epic fight-or-flight response.

Thus I avoided Pinterest for a long time and watched others on Facebook* gleefully pinning recipes for this and tutorials for that; pictures of how to decorate their bathroom with “shabby chic white wicker” or the cutest “cake-pops” to bring to a baby shower. It seemed trendy and nauseatingly girly, so I ignored it as is my Professional Pop Culture Contrarian way.

But then, once, in a rare moment of curious desperation, I turned to Pinterest for help: Hmm, how to motivate myself to eat better and exercise? Why look at rich, skinny women in photographs wearing all sorts of expensive clothes I can’t afford, of course!

Uh uh bitches. I invented Pinterest.

I mean, this is the idea behind that barf-inducing bestseller The Secret from a few years ago. And I’m pretty sure Oprah has even talked about this, a “vision board” or some such bullshit I recall from past afternoons of unemployment. Pinterest is just the electronic form of all this nonsense.

Scrolling through “the boards” is more or less a form of self-administered subliminal messaging. Seeing the same images over and over can really brainwash a person (ie. “I must have atrociously expensive boots must have atrociously expensive bootsmusthaveatrociouslyexpensivebootsmusthaveboots”).

But you tell yourself it’s pretty innocent, just another time-waster cousin of Twitter and Facebook. (Sedate the masses!) And because you are saving/pinning things, you can convince yourself that it’s somewhat productive, even if it is just an impulse reaction to something pretty. And so I branched out of my comfort zone of “Women’s Fashion” and “Recipes” to  “Health & Beauty”, and then to “DIY Crafts”.

Look at the colorful bowls! Ooh, aren’t they cute? Repin!

Or this amazing homemade-from-what-you-already-have-in-your-pantry face scrub! MUST MAKE! Pin!

Merde Rinçage Pour Le Visage- It’s French!


Pretty fabulous right?

But wait a tick. Let’s go back to those bowls. Those fabric bowls. What does one usually do with a bowl? In a regular bowl, one puts Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Or soup. But in a bowl made entirely out of fabric, one puts….?

Jewelry? Coins? Wax fruit??

The problem is if you spend enough time on Pinterest, you’ll quickly find that fifty percent of it is a collection of junk or a collection of ways to help you clean/organize/bedazzle your junk. Just because. For example, behold these tacky candy..things.

All you need is a three ugly-as-sin candle holders, a few empty jars of salsa you should have hoarded away and some hellacious lime paint and you too can make your very own grotesque set of Crapholders!! Hurray!!

The worst part is that I will find myself thinking for a moment, YES THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!

Glue shiny rocks you buy at the store to a wine bottle to make a night light?! HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THIS?!

You see, for some reason, women are suckers for making dumb shit out of other shit they have lying around (or think they have lying around) just because. And so then stuff like this starts to happen:

Maybe I’ll take all these washers I have and glue them onto a piece of paper in a cute shape! HEHEHE!

On second thought…

Where’s my hot glue gun from 1992?

No, wait. There must be something more fucking ridiculous I can do with washers…

Ah, yes! I mean, I was just staring at my cabinet handles the other day and said to myself, “Wouldn’t it be amazing to glue some paper to a washer and stick it between the handle and the door??”

But then I decided, I have all this nailpolish here that I only use on my nails! What a waste!

Aren’t they pretty! I’m not sure what I’ll do with them but worst case scenario I have some fabric bowls over there and nothing to put in them!**

And so it goes. When you consider that those foolish enough to actually attempt these absurd projects to make shit out of other shit usually end up with a new pile of the same shit, I’m convinced we could all be doing something better with our time and our homes would be less cluttered for it. And yet I will continue to use Pinterest, how else would I know to salt-brine a new t-shirt to give it a vintagey feel JUST BECAUSE?!

*Someone explain to me why we must see Pinterest pins on Facebook? Is this not redundant?

**The best part is that as I pinned all these ridiculous projects onto my HoS board to save and make fun of later, others were pinning them onto boards named “Must Make” and “So Cute”.


3 thoughts on “DisPinterested, Part Un

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