All The Single Ladies

Friends, do you yearn for him to “put a ring on it”? Do you mourn your unwed status, your marginalized place in society? Do you desire the simpler times before 1970, when purpose and meaning were assigned to you by the number of meals you could prepare while expelling babies from your baggy old uterus onto the kitchen floor?  Of course you don’t, because you’re a living human being with brain activity. But in the event that you are a misogynist or a woman desperately seeking to to be scolded about all the things she’s done wrong with her life, then let me introduce you to your new God:

Look upon me and despair.

Behold Suzanne Venker – author, speaker, wife, mother – who’s bravely fighting to put your vaginas and self-worth back where they belong – in the clumsy hands of one man for the rest of your life like it’s 1892. Here, suck on these delightful tidbits of Venker gospel, won’t you?

Ever since the sexual revolution, there has been a profound overhaul in the way men and women interact….

In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive, though often unknowingly. [Ed. note: Really? Women get angry when you ask them why they aren’t married yet?] That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal…and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. [Ed. note: Equality?]

 The so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off. It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families – it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.

Mmm, can you taste that? That’s the gamey flavor of social regression. And there’s ever so much more where that came from. You can read the rest of “The War on Men” on foxnews.com (well duh), if any of those titillating quotes appeal to you. Or you can watch Stephen Colbert react precisely how you probably just did in your head. I urge the latter.

Make no mistake, Mrs. Venker is passionate about traditional gender roles and getting us all back on the straight and narrow path to hetero-normal matrimony and happiness through submission. She has written books (yes, plural) on the subject, and her newest one looks to be straight up Pulitzer material: How to Choose a Husband. And here I thought it was like picking out an avocado at the grocery store. Squeeze it; look for brown spots. I’ve been doing it all wrong, this explains everything!

I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS. Did I miss something? Did we go back in time? Have we not surpassed the historical landmark where marriage was a social contract about bloodlines and protection from feral animals and rapey bands of wild men? Do we not live in a world where people can marry their pillows but not other actual human beings of the same gender?

This pillow’s human rights > yours

Suzanne, you dear sweet dumdum….this isn’t the conversation anyone is interested in having anymore. The more you and your band of self-righteous idiot followers cling to the status quo of 1950, the harder it will be when your husband is inevitably found banging a teenager in Cambodia. Just  embrace the weird, people.

Now in marriage news that matters: Liz Lemon got hitched last night on 30 Rock. This made me happier than any real live wedding ever has. Liz, you are the greatest fictional role model I’ve ever had. We should be best friends because this applies to both of us:

duffy-bedroom

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One thought on “All The Single Ladies

  1. Pingback: Fun Facts: North Dakota Edition | Heart of Snarkness

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