Solitary

The hard economic truths of my life (No Dolla$, No Cent$) have made it necessary that I continuously live with a roommate, and I’ve gotten lucky because Megan is a special kind of roommate that cooks for me, allows me to coerce her into afternoon drinking and puts up with my…peculiarities. We’re approaching our five year anniversary, which makes Megan shit her pants, so I’m probably going to send a singing telegram or a stripper in a giant cake to her office to mark the occasion because I’m not afraid of publicly declaring how much I love paying for only half of everything.

Just another Saturday morning at our place.

These are your options: live with your parents, your significant other, a roommate or no one at all. The last option is frightening indeed, because it means those peculiarities I mentioned above have nothing and no one to keep them in check. Without a human reminder of how weird you actually are, these tics annex the rest of your life. I know this, because Megan has been out of town for five days. Continue reading

Great American BeerFuck

“So it’s a beer festival and there are rows and rows and miles and miles of tables flowing golden delicious beer. All the breweries just line up to supply you with all the sweet nectar you desire. We wandered down the first row and got a taste from every last table. And the people, they walk around with hats overflowing with snacks and the finest necklaces made of crunchy pretzel to keep from getting too drunk. And by the end of just the first row, we were so wonderfully inebriated we had to stop for the night and go get a coffee to sober up to get home!”

That’s what my friend Tim told me about the Great American Beer Festival that I had just missed when I arrived back in the States last year (slightly embellished).

Hundreds of breweries. Thousands of beers. Endless tastes. Food accessories. All right here in Denver! If only I didn’t have to wait 11.5 months…

Fast-forward 9 months, and Erin and I did exactly what you would expect us to do: Circled October 13th on our calendars and planned a beautiful beer-soaked rendezvous.

Erin bought her flight here in July and August 2nd we hunkered down at our computers to buy $65 tickets the day they went on sale. WOOOOOO! BEEEEEERFESSSST!!!!!!! PARTAAAYYYY!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then this happened:

10:07 am

Megan: so what is going on?! did you get tix? i’m seeing tweets about it selling out. wtf is going on dude

Erin: oh shit!

Megan: gahhhhhhhh the site is being so slow!!! maybe it’s the members only part that’s selling out. okay. okay. it’s okay.

Erin: aw shit, i can’t seem to get any tix for saturday

Megan: DUDE. dude dude dude.

Erin: is it sold out? i can’t get ANYTHING. let’s try friday.  i can change my flight

Megan: beer fest sells out in 25 minutes all weekend? yeah right. i am not buying any of this

Erin: bluuuuuuuuuuuurgh. booooooooooo

Megan: i am convinced this is a ticketmaster error or something, i feel like i would’ve heard a lot more about this festival if it was going to sell out in 20 minutes

Erin: i’m so sad right now

Erin: so stub hub has some for a billion dollars

Megan: $145?!?!

Erin: and upwards. who could have foreseen that these were going to sell out like that???

Megan: no one!!!!! last year it took 10 TEN days. fuck stab

Surprise. Confusion. Disbelief. Horror. Disappointment. Rage. Emotions ran the gamut that day. There was much speculation regarding exactly how and why the tickets sold out so fast. Personally, I blame the evil, wicked institution that is StubHub. Currently, there are over 200 tickets still on sale for three times their value. I won’t get into my conspiracy theory regarding modern ticketing practices and the role of StubHub in them because just thinking about it makes me want to throw an epic temper tantrum, complete with fist-shaking, foot-stomping and insufferable shrieking.

And now the Great American Beer Festival weekend is upon us. Erin is still coming to Denver. But instead of enjoying dozens of delicious, hoppy concoctions with like-minded beer friends, we will sit sadly alone at my house. Without rows of new brews. Without pretzel jewelry. Without hope.

Pity us.

A Preface

As I sat and tried to churn out my first post on this new blog, I endeavored to skip over the “What I’ve Been Up to and How My Life is Now Compared to a Year Ago” entry. Partly because it seemed hokey and indulgent, also because there are minimal blanks to fill in.

That said, after many hours/days/weeks/months of attempting this method and writing ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING, I have determined that it is necessary to provide this info. My bitching requires context.

My Life in Four Points:

Friends: See where I am there? The pink dot, in relation to any/all of my friends, blue dots? Unacceptable.

Romance: Yeah.

Job: My career path can be best summed up in this semi-mathematical statement*:

Future: In 2013, I will be getting the helllllllllllllllllll out of here. Destination?

Why?

1.) Take a look at the Friend map.

2.) I hear there is awesome music, kazillions of food trucks and men with beards there.

3.) Food trucks and men with beards.

Didn’t you miss us?!

*If I actually knew how to write an equation, this entire point would be rendered moot.